One-person play J dogg, while the others alternate. Or the J dogg keeps on changing and so the woman/man parts to create a total confusion of identity
1
J dogg: wanna cyber?
Dirty Kate: ok, but don’t tell anybody, who are you?
J: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot and I have a part time
job delivering for papa john’s pizzeria in my geo storm car.
DK: you sound sexy. I bet you want me in the back of your car.
J: maybe some other time. You should call up papa john’s and make an
Order.
DK: haha! OK…hello I’d like an extra extra large pizza just dripping with
sauce.
J: well, first they would say “hello, this is papa john’s, how may I help
You,” then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your
Order. So that’s an X-large. What toppings do you want?
DK: I want everything, baby!
J: is this a delivery?
DK: umm…yes. So you bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’M
Home alone… and I think I’ll take a shower…
J: good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to
Your house.
(Pause)
DK: I’m almost finished with my shower…. hurry up!
J: you can’t hurry good pizza. I’m on my way now though.
(Pause)
DK: so you’re at my front door now.
J: how did you know? …I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in
The shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down
on your coffee table… are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as
a pizza oven.
DK: oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold.
Warm me up baby.
J: so you’re still in the bathroom?
DK: yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself.
J: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants
with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in
ecstasy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce
is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the
bathroom, I exit through the front door…
DK: what the fuck?.. You perverted piece of shit…fuck..
2
Sexy Susan: ok I’m a Japanese schoolgirl, what are you.
J dogg: A rhinoceros. Well, hung like one, that’s for sure.
Sexy Susan: haha, ok lets go. I put my hand through your hair, and kiss
you on the nack.
J dogg: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my
Breeding territory.
SS: ha, ok, you know that turns me on. I start unbuttoning your shirt.
J: rhinoceroses don’t wear shirts.
SS: no, you’re not really a rhinoceros silly, its just part of the game.
J: rhinoceroses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.
SS: stop, c’mon be serious.
J: it doesn’t get any more serious than a rhinoceros about to charge your
Ass. I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
SS: that’s it.
J: nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of
my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine
remains the victor. You are now a bloody red regdoll suspended in the
air on my mighty horn…goddam am I hard now!
3
J Dogg: wanna cyber?
Partner 7: sure, are you into vegetables?
J: what like gardening and shit?
P 7: yeah, something like that.
J: nuthin turns me on more, check this out. You bend over to harvest
your radishes.
P 7: is that it?
J: you water your tomato patch. Are you ready for my fresh produce?
P 7: I was thinking of like, sexual act involving vegetables…can you
make it a little more sexy for me?
J: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach…sexily. I ride
your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
P 7: grain doesn’t really turn me on…I was thinking more along the lines
Of carrots and zucchinis.
J: my zucchini caresses your carrots. Damn baby your right, this shit is
hot.
P 7: … what the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.
J: yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and
Up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.
P 7: whatever.
4
Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So what’s with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin
with the homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok that’s cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: That’s cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, I guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck
women...
J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I
have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...please don't shoot me Mr.
5
J-Dogg: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
Partner3: Aight.
J-Dogg: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
Partner3: I slip out of my pants, just for you, J-Dogg.
J-Dogg: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Partner3: Oh, I like to play dress up.
J-Dogg: Me too baby.
Partner3: I kiss you softly on your chest.
J-Dogg: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
Partner3: Hey...
J-Dogg: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the
Infinite.
Partner3: Funny I still don't see it.
J-Dogg: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the
Beyondness.
Partner3: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
J-Dogg: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body
explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2
Druid.
Partner3: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
J-Dogg: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts
DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil
army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan
steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
You still there baby? I think its getting hard now.Baby?
-- YosiWanunu - 25 Feb 2004